


Looking Out

by piperholmes



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Missing Scene, Rollisi, episode add on
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-22 13:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22283743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piperholmes/pseuds/piperholmes
Summary: A continuation of Must Be Held Accountable when Carisi drives Rollins home.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr./Amanda Rollins
Comments: 12
Kudos: 113





	Looking Out

**Author's Note:**

> Just another quick story of what might have happened after the Rollisi hug in the elevator. I wrote this all in one go and I definitely haven’t proofread it so I’m sorry if there are a lot of typos and such. But if you still chose to read it then I thank you! Hope you enjoy.

Carisi had been ignoring his phone on the ride. Between navigating New York traffic and glancing over at his passenger, he figured he had enough distractions. Besides, he wasn’t much interested in hearing from Ms. Hadid right now. He knew she was angry he’d left her out of the loop, she’d first heard of Getz’s arrest on the news just like everyone else. When her name had popped up on his screen he’d wasted no time declining the call. There was still too much to get done. He’d deal with the consequences after he knew Rollins was home, the girls were alright, and he had a chance to catch his breath. 

Nearly every part of him felt drained, but his years at SVU had trained him for putting in the hours necessary to try and save the victim. The survivor. He looked again over at Rollins. Her eyes were still red, exhaustion radiating from her, but she’d grown quiet after her breakdown in the elevator, and Carisi hoped she might be able to sleep some. When his phone buzzed again, however, she frowned at him. He would have switched his phone to silent but he didn’t want to miss a call from Benson if something happened with Bucci or Getz that he needed to know. 

“Do you need to take that? Is…is it about me?” She asked.

Carisi shook his head. “Nah, don’t worry about it. If it’s something important the Captain will call.”

Her brow lowered with uncertainty but she said nothing, just turned to look back out the window. 

“I don’t have a phone,” she said softly, seeming to speaking to no one in particular. “Feels weird.”

Carisi remembered they’d collected Rollins’ smashed phone as evidence from the therapist’s office, and he knew she’d used his phone to call the sitter, but he supposed the reality was just beginning to sink in. 

He supposed it would take a while for all of it to finally sink in.

“We’ll take ya to get a new one as soon as you want. You want mine in the mean time?”

She gave him a skeptical look tempered by a small smile. “I’m not taking your phone.”

He shrugged. “I offered.”

They rode in silence for a moment and Carisi fought to keep from pestering her for information. He’d known what it had cost her to allow herself to seek comfort, and he was afraid she’d retreat further if he pressed her for more.

“I know…” she began then stopped, swallowing hard, her emotions still too close to the surface. “I know I should tell you everything that happened. I mean I’m going to have to eventually for the police report but—”

“Amanda,” he tried to interrupt, to assure her he knew the patience required and was willing to practice, but she waved him off.

“I know,” she said, because she did. She knew already the kind of friend that he was to her. She knew the kind of friend he meant to her. She was learning to accept that he was unlike anyone she’d ever known. She was beginning to believe that the way he cared for her was something she was worthy of, something she was allowed to accept. “I just can’t yet because I know I’m about to see my girls and I don’t want that…I don’t want that hanging in my mouth. I want to kiss on them and love on them without trying to swallow all the words. I need to keep it buried down for a little while longer. I don’t want…damn it.”

He heard her breath quicken and a soft whimper escaped as she fought her emotions. 

He grabbed her hand and held tightly as she turned to again look out the window, gathering herself.

“They’d be ok,” he ventured. “They’d be ok to see you cry. You’re allowed to cry in front of them.”

She shook her head hard, clearing her throat roughly. “No. That’s not—that’s something I can’t do. Not yet. My mother, she uh, she would cry in front of us and I would hate her for it.”

He could tell by the way she refused to look at him and the tension in her shoulders that she believed he would be upset to hear her speak that way. 

He squeezed her hand. “From what you’ve told me about your family, I can understand that.”

She turned to him suddenly, her eyes searching his, before nodding.

She didn’t pull her hand away,and they continued the rest of the drive in silence.

Just before Sonny pulled into a parking spot near Amanda’s apartment he felt his phone buzz again. She let his hand go at the sound and he felt the cool air rush around where her hand had been pressed into his. A glance at the screen told him it was Benson and he knew Amanda had seen. 

He answered the call as he navigated the car into an open spot along the sidewalk.

“We’re just getting home….So far she seems to be doing alright…yeah, ok….thanks. I’ll tell her.”

He put the car in park and half expected Amanda to jump out and run upstairs, but she just looked at him expectantly.

“Bucci’s made a full confession, but he’s hoping for lesser charges. His arraignment is tomorrow. Don’t worry though, I’ll make sure he pays for what he’s done.”

He wasn’t sure what reaction he was expecting but when her hand grabbed his arm he was surprised. “Sonny—”

“Hey,” he offered quietly. “It’s over. I’m going to take care of it. You want me to walk you up?”

“Will you,” she bit her lip. “Will you please help him?”

It was his turn to frown. “Excuse me?”

  
She closed her eyes for a moment, but he could see she wasn’t battling tears like she had earlier. “I know this won’t make sense but will you try to help him?”

“Amanda,” he said firmly. “He kidnapped you at gunpoint. He threatened to hurt you—and Dr. Hanover and her son—”

“I know, but he never hurt me—”

“Never hurt you?” He asked, his tone growing incredulous. “He _did_ hurt you and he needs to be held accountable for it.”

“I’m not saying drop all charges, I’m just saying that he did this because he was afraid for his girls.”

“No,” Carisi pushed back. “No, he did this because Bucci chose to hurt and terrorize others. He has a pattern of violent behavior—”

“Carisi,” she tried again, but he spoke over her.

“You don’t gotta do this.”

“Do what?”

“Excuse his behavior, excuse the behavior of a man who hurt you, you don’t gotta do that.”

She pressed her lips together and Carisi saw a flash of anger in her eyes. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I don’t know what I’m talking about.” He shook his head. “Frank Bucci put a gun to your head and threatened to kill you if he didn’t get his way. He forced you into a stolen car, he drove you all around the state. No one knew where you were, no one knew if you were hurt. He didn’t care about you or your daughters. We—I—didn’t know if you…if he’d…”

He felt the fight drain out of him, the tensions and fear of the last 24 hours battling for release. 

“Sonny—”

“I’m sorry. I should know by you can’t tell people how to feel or act in the face of trauma.”

She winced at the word.

”You calling me stubborn?” She asked, trying for levity but falling flat.

He wanted to argue with her, he wanted to make her see she was worth fighting for, and she seemed to sense all he wanted to say.

“Can we talk about it…later?” Her request was simple and he knew he would do anything for her. He had a feeling she knew it too.

“Of course,” he answered, his own voice tired. “You want me to walk you up? I think I will leave you with my phone. I’m sure you’ll feel safer with it.”

She shook her head. “No, will you just stay…with us? With me?”

He said nothing, just climbed out of the vehicle and made his way over to her side, helping her out. Once upstairs he’d spoken to the sitter, thanking her profusely for taking care of the girls during such an uncertain time, allowing Rollins a chance to just hold her babies. She’d cried, despite her best efforts, a few tears escaping which Jesse wiped away as she cried too, unsure what was wrong but sensitive enough to feel her mother’s distress. They were all cranky and overtired, but a sense of relief and gratitude permeated the afternoon.

He’d made them dinner and watched the girls while Rollins showered and changed. He’d arranged for Fin to take care of getting her a new phone and when it came time for the girls to go to bed he’d stepped out into the hallway and called Ms. Hadid, giving Rollins some much needed alone time with her girls. After getting chewed out and then receiving a begrudged congratulations for getting Getz, followed by an edict that he better be in the office bright and early the next day, He’d hung up and returned to the now quiet apartment. A quick peek revealed Rollins had fallen asleep in bed with the girls. 

He stretched out on the couch, allowing himself to finally give way to the exhaustion. 

When he awoke, the apartment was still shrouded in darkness, but the sky outside was just beginning to gray and he somehow knew what had woken him. He sat up enough, allowing her space to crawl in next to him, cocooning her in his arms as she clung to him. 

She cried quietly, still conscious of the sleeping babies a room over, and he let her. He let her guide what was happening. She whispered against the skin of his neck, telling him everything that had happened, every raw, scrapping, bleeding detail, letting it all roll out of her, desperate for him to understand. 

It was just as the sun began to emerge from the long night, the color of a new day beginning to seep into the sky that he agreed to help Bucci. He believed if she tried to sugarcoat it or manipulate him with the details he would have found it harder to agree, but there was an odd sense of peace in her that came from forgiving Bucci that he didn’t quiet comprehend, but knew he had no right to deny her. 

She slept heavily against him while he dozed until Billie’s cry roused them both. Weak dawn light filled the apartment as Carisi pulled on his shoes, standing when Amanda emerged from the bedroom with a snuggly Billie, all warm and pink from sleep.

He rubbed the baby’s back, earning a toothless, wet smile, before pulling them both into his arms.

“I gotta go,” he said quietly. 

“I know.”

He stepped away, grabbing his coat.

“Fin should be here soon, he’s dropping off a phone before work.”

She nodded. 

“Kiss Jesse for me.”

“Sonny, thank you. I don’t know—”

He grabbed her hand and held it a moment, their eyes meeting in a quiet that allowed something of significance to pass between them, a something that had been formed through respect, then friendship, and now to something deeper.

Something not yet ready to be named.

Billie babbled at them, seemingly unhappy at not being included, and her hand fell from his.

“Call me later.”

She again nodded, and he knew they both wished he could stay, but there was still work left for him to do and still work left for her to do.

But, maybe, for once, they were working towards the same thing.

The end.


End file.
